“My daughter loves playing board games, but she completely falls apart if she doesn’t win. How can I help her learn to be a good sport?”
Also:
“My child loves playing board games, but wants to win so badly that he cheats when he thinks I’m not looking!”
It’s important to remember that children make meaning through play. They try on different attitudes and strategies, and through play, they determine which ones they keep and which ones get tossed.
Rule One: Relax.
The lessons you are teaching are not always the most obvious ones. Some days you are simply communicating, “I like to play with you,” to a child who is feeling overwhelmed and powerless. Other days you might be modeling how to change gears quickly. When I suspect a child wants to bend the rules, I ask. “Oh, are we playing by Charlie’s rules today?” or, “Are we playing crazy candyland today?”
Rule Two: Roll with it.
In the end, does it matter if your child plays chutes and ladders vertically rather than horizontally? Sometimes we get locked into ridiculous, avoidable power struggles over board games. If you’re finding yourself battling with your child, it’s likely the game playing isn’t accomplishing what you’d hoped when you pulled it out of the closet.
Rule Three: Communicate without judging.
“Oops, it was supposed to be my turn there! What should we do?”
Rule Four: Collaborate.
There is something to be said for learning about winning and losing with grace, but not every family game has to have winners and losers. Family Pastimes is a company that specializes in cooperative games. Many of them are fun for younger kids and still challenging for older participants. Other games, such as Castle Panic, have a cooperative option, during which the players work to defeat the game.
Rule Five: Don’t be afraid to be silly.
All of these ideas are influenced by Larry Cohen, author of Playful Parenting and The Opposite of Worry (and other books). One of his primary instructions is “follow the giggles.” For more on how being silly can help your relationship and build your child’s confidence, check out his books.
Rule Five: Adjust accordingly.
If your child is struggling with losing, you can ask, “do you want me to play my hardest?” Some games have built in advantages for younger players to even the field a bit, or you can add in your own head starts. If a game is clearly overwhelming, ask the child if she wants to make up her own rules. Quit the game and go cuddle on the couch. The goal of playing games with your child is connection– if what you’re doing is causing a disconnect, it’s time to change.