Connection

What do we mean by connection?

There’s a lot of talk these days about helicopter parents and how they hinder their children’s natural development by swooping in and rescuing kids from dangerous situations including homework, social awkwardness and unfair teachers. This is not what I mean by connection. In fact, I’d posit that the helicopter parents are frequently flailing around attempting to get connected, and find themselves, instead, enmeshed.

Staying connected with your child does not mean rescuing. It means remaining present even during times of distress. It might mean holding a child who is feeling out of control, or sitting near an older child overwhelmed with sadness. In easier times, it means understanding what your child enjoys and spending some time learning about it, perhaps letting your child guide you through it.

Staying connected does not preclude setting firm and reasonable limits. In fact, some people might use overly permissive limit setting as a substitute for meaningful connection. It does require taking the time to understand the impact different limits or expectations are having on your child and adjusting your approach accordingly. It may result in avoiding that evening social gathering because you know your child isn’t likely to hold up that long, or it could mean that tonight you toss bedtime aside so you can snuggle together and read an extra chapter.

Staying connected with your child requires you to be able to tolerate upset and uncertainty. It means not knowing how everything will work out, and being okay with not knowing. It means you won’t know the answers, but you’re willing to sit together and figure out what happens next.