Extra Challenging Kids

A quick online search for discipline tips for children reveals fairly standard results- be consistent, use natural and/or logical consequences alongside rewards to increase good behaviors and communicate limits in a clear and developmentally appropriate manner.

Shift to googling about “challenging” kids and most of the advice is the same as above, only with added emphasis. The message is clear- if your child is challenging, you need to be more consistent, swifter, perhaps adding sterner limits and better rewards.

There are several flawed assumptions inherent in most of this advice. One such assumption is that if a child is explosive, having a hard time coping, that his parents aren’t working hard enough- perhaps they are inconsistent, confused or just plain lazy. Help the parents be clearer in their consequences and expectations and the child’s behavior will improve.

Another flawed assumption is that if something isn’t working, (rewards, consequences, increased limits, even making sure to “catch the child being good”) adding more of the same will help. If rewards aren’t working, perhaps they need to be more accessible, more immediate, or more enticing. The consequences might be more effective if they were more immediate, more consistent, harsher.

The missing piece of all these discipline systems is skill. None of them assess whether or not the children actually possess the skills they need to meet the expectations set before them. None of these reward charts actually teach problem-solving skills, emotional regulation or communication, so while they are possibly effective in the short-term, they are woefully lacking in the long term.

Ross Greene has been making these points in his books for a while now. His book, The Explosive Child opens the door to teaching chronically frustrated kids problem-solving skills, and introduces the essential underpinning of Collaborative Problem Solving, the premise that children do well if they can.

Children do well if they can is an foundational value in my work. I believe all children have a basic need to belong and to feel connected to their loved ones. Frequently, behavioral challenges create barriers which in turn, leave the child feeling isolated and unsupported, which results in increased explosions. There is a better way. Call for an appointment or to schedule a free phone consultation.
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