The stories we tell shape how we recover from hard times.
Children need us to help them sort through emotions. When we help, we are building their emotional intelligence and helping develop resilience. Some old-school parenting methods would have you encourage your child to stop crying and toughen up, but this approach fails to meet most parents’ goals of assisting children in developing relational skills and societal competency.
When your child has suffered, whether it’s a skinned knee, social pain or trauma, you can help them build a helpful narrative around their suffering. Is your story one of resilience, recovery and reconnection, or a darker tale?
Basic steps to helping your child process emotion:
1. Reflect.
Let your child know that she is truly heard. Acknowledge her pain, and give her words for it. In our society we tend to teach little boys about anger, and little girls about social connection just in how we attribute their emotional reactions. Don’t worry about whether or not you believe the emotional reaction is justified– accept that it is a real experience for your child. Provide warm comfort and descriptive empathy.
-
“You are crying, you look sad.”
“Your face is red and you stomped your foot. You look angry.”
“You were jumping up and down and squealing! You must be excited.”
Match your voice to the emotion to increase the layers of communication.
2. Comfort.
Sometimes this just involves holding your child while he cries, other times gentle reassurance is needed. Some angry kids might need a change of scenery. For some, just holding and comforting is enough, other children get stuck and need a little gentle help to disengage from the emotion and move toward feeling better. This is an opportunity to connect with your child and teach him skills for helping himself feel better on down the road.
-
“I’m here now.”
“I will keep you safe.”
“I’ve got you.”
“What might help you feel better?”
“When I feel sad, I like to ___ (talk to a friend, go for a walk, take a bath)”
3. Shape the narrative.
This happens after the fact. If something has happened that impacted your child, it’s likely she will want to focus some play on it, whether in an obvious manner (replaying a car crash) or something more subtle (aggressive play with dolls after feeling excluded). Join in the play while following your child’s lead. At first, try not to add to the play, just return to reflection, making sure to give your child the words she needs to call on this experience in the future. Feel free to be silly– children (and adults) learn through laughter!
The reflection piece may last a long time. Some kids need to replay an event over and over until it makes sense to them. Continue providing a safe space and offering a helpful narrative. Tip: correcting your child’s experience is not a helpful narrative.
-
“This doll is angry!” (Switching to the doll’s voice) “I’m going to have to go watermelon hunting to cool off a bit. That always helps me when I’m mad.”
“This doll is crying. Oh, Dolly, what’s the matter? You can tell me anything.”
“Oh no, look what happened! What happens next?”
If you feel stuck, you can ask your child for suggestions. Most kids are totally capable of directing the play:
If your child feels really stuck in this play, gently push it in a new direction. Trade places, for example, or get your part in the play all wrong, allowing your child to correct you.
You also shape the narrative after the fact– during bedtime conversations for example– when you share memories together. A great example is around separation anxiety. Your child may be telling you how sad he was when you left him at school. You can reflect back his emotions, and end the story with “then I came to pick you up, and we _____”. You can even add some depth by filling in what he did while you were gone.
-
“You felt sad when I left.”
“We kissed goodbye, and your teacher held you and gave you extra hugs.”
“Later you played with your friends while you waited for me.”
“I picked you up and we stopped by the park for some extra fun time on our way home.”
As parents we are shaping our children’s narratives all the time. How do we talk about their friendships? What experiences do we choose to highlight when sharing memories? When we help them process their emotional times, do we remind them how they reconnected with a friend, or do we focus on the fight beforehand? Do we share stories of acceptance and helping each other? How do you communicate your values through the stories you tell?
There are lots of opportunities to shape the narrative feeding your child’s experience. You can share memories of your older child’s infancy while caring for a new sibling, giving her a chance to tell stories of the time he got all your time and attention. You can tell about times she successfully navigated a socially tough situation with a friend. You can share overheard moments your child missed, like the time Grandma told you how much fun she had drawing with your child. They may feel like small talk, but these bits and pieces compose the larger story of your child’s relationships. Tell them with care.