Playdates in early toddlerhood are mostly about choking hazards. As long as the magnets, hot dogs and hard candies are all out of reach and the hard corners are covered, parents can usually sit back and enjoy the cute parallel play.
Sometime around age two, easy fades and gives way to big experiments in social learning. Older toddlers need to learn about their personal power, how they connect with friends, how to be kind, all while still learning basics, like how gravity works and what happens when you throw Mama’s keys.
So why not throw sharing into the mix? What’s wrong with teaching kids to share?
Children at this age are still figuring out object permanence- what happens to things when we can’t see them– so sharing is a much taller order for them than it is for us. It comes down to your goals. If the underlying long term goal is to teach generosity, then forced sharing (whether that forcing is through punishment or rewards) teaches a specific action, but misses the mark. Generosity generosity grows best from a sense of security, and having your toys forced away from you creates anxiety and resentment instead.
If you don’t force sharing, what do you do when toddlers fight over things? Here are a few tips.
1. Plan ahead. If your child just received a cherished gift that will be hard to share, talk about it in advance. Does she want to share her new ball? You can talk about the back and forth of playing pass, and if she still doesn’t want to share it, put it away before the playdate. You’re not taking it away as a punishment, you are simply helping her protect what she wants to protect. She may learn that it’s more fun to share than pack it away.
Think about it. When you get a new toy, say a new phone or tablet, are you excited about passing it around to all your friends so they get a turn?
2. Give them words. Jimmy wants to play with the toy boat. Teddy already has it. Jimmy grabs. Get down next to Jimmy, hold his hand and give him words.
You want to play with that boat! Teddy is taking his turn now. You can say, “when you’re done, I’d like a turn please.” Then smile at Teddy, reassuring him no one will be grabbing. Give him words too. Teddy will say, “okie dokie!” When Teddy knows he doesn’t have to fear you taking his toy away, he becomes much less possessive of it.
3. Reassure. Let the child know the borrower will not be keeping the toy. She’s playing with it now, but we will not take it away from your room.
4. Support: The child who wants to borrow, but is currently denied, probably needs help waiting. Bev Bos does a fantastic job of explaining what kids can and can’t do in her preschool guidelines. I had the pleasure of hearing her speak several years ago and she described getting down right next to the waiting child, when the child says, But I WAANNNT it, she says, in a voice that mirrors the child’s urgency, I WANT you to HAVE it. Then comfort the child while he waits.
5. Be interesting. If all else fails, get kids interested in something else. There’s one fabulous train in the trainset, and all the kids want it. Follow the steps above, and then start playing with bubbles. Usually at least one child will express an interest in joining you instead of sitting around waiting for a turn with the train.
As your kids mature, there are more opportunities to talk about generosity, sharing and being a good friend. At the end of the day you can review how it felt to give another child a turn, or to wait a long time for a turn. Children will internalize that discussion and gradually will be able to implement what they learn.
It’s hard to wait your turn!